I may be the poster child for the merits of abstinence before marriage: i’m a member of the usa evangelical Christian community and remained a virgin until my wedding.
I’ve been happily married to a similar man for just about 15 years. We have seen quite a bit in our marriage: conceived four children, cared for 2 with severe health conditions, buried one among them, started and give up jobs, moved houses, changed churches, grieved, and battled depression. We’ve got hurt, misunderstood, under-estimated, and annoyed one another. We’re still learning to become good lovers.
On quite a lot of days, we now have barely held it together. So what’s our secret It’s that we like one another it doesn’t matter what.
To give my dearth of sexual partners credit for our marriage’s success is a ridiculous oversimplification. Unfortunately, such a thinking characterizes a good portion of the united states evangelical church’s technique to sex and marriage today.
The Christian blogosphere has written much about this peculiar quirk of the evangelical church in recent weeks. As individuals alike share their stories of saving sex for marriage or not saving it and the confusion they experience over saving it or not saving it, an important theme emerges: many evangelical churches are teaching the incorrect things about sex.
Do not misread me. it’s not that i am saying that the church is incorrect to show that marriage and sex are sacred and to be approached with reverence. One of the crucial character qualities that the church encourages Jesus followers to develop is self control, and lots of believe that saving sex for marriage is a crucial component to developing self-control. Moreover, Christianity teaches that something spiritual happens (or may happen) during sex. Consider this passage from 1 Corinthians 6:15-22:
“Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one along with her in body For it’s miles said, ‘The two turns into one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins somebody commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their very own body.”
I don’t understand exactly what Paul is saying here, but i do know he’s approaching sex as something intense, personal, even mystical. It’s sacred.
What i’m saying is that the best way many in today’s church discuss sex, women and men, modesty, and marriage does an immense disservice to men, women, marriage, and sex.
The stories popping out of the so-called evangelical “purity culture” demonstrate a deep-seated distrust of human sexuality, and particularly of female sexuality. As Elizabeth Esther wrote in her post Virginity: New and Improved!, making virginity the goal “implied that a woman’s inherent worth and dignity could possibly be measured by whether a person has touched her”. Meanwhile, Preston Yancey mentioned how the evangelical church often casts men as predators: “i used to be but 13, a near decade to today, the primary time i used to be told that by nature i used to be a rapist.”
Many inside the church today have mistaken virginity for the goal, forgetting that the goal really is becoming a mature healthy individual with mature healthy relationships. It is not working: most adolescents have sex before they’re married.
These stories reveal how the over-emphasis on virginity heaps shame on those that fail (for any reason, whether someone consented or not) and conceals the fact that those that succeed will not be likely today to fall in love with someone who’s also a virgin. The “purity culture” promises phenomenal sex for those that wait until marriage. By so thoroughly squelching the sex drive up until marriage, many virgins find it incredibly difficult to “turn it back on” once the ban on sex was lifted.
The truth is that abstinence not more guarantees a healthy marriage or rocking sex life than baking with organic eggs guarantees a gourmet cake. We want the entire ingredients to accomplish human wholeness.
A person is greater than their sexual experience or lack thereof. Christians find our identity as adopted children of God, not in our virginity. We believe that God works in and with us to make us mature and full: to profit ourselves, identify our strengths and weaknesses, and develop the strength of character to maximise our strengths and minimize our weaknesses. Most critical, Christians believe that God loves us and will even bring good out of our mistakes and pain.
To evangelical church leaders, please: preach at the sacredness of marriage and sex. But don’t oversimplify, and do not exaggerate. Teach us learn how to become healthy individuals and build healthy relationships. Let us know why we have to learn self-control and the way abstinence can help. Notably, remind us that God loves us whatever.
